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Sunday, December 2, 2007 - 12:06 AM

ooo its sunday

its funny how things can look so calm on the surface but actually the currents below can rip a person apart. maybe there is something wrong with me. i wonder whether being antagonistic is a good thing. sometimes it makes me feel cold to just stand by the side to watch the drama. but its nature i guess because i know i wont be much of a help and by putting my left foot in can be such a chore. call me selfish. i dont really care anymore.

so quick its december already. have like so many parties and weirdly i was invited to a commissioning ball. bizarre. and also invited to a trip overseas too with the 'cool exclusive gang'. in a way i think i have always been in the US groups. where the majority is or where the cool people are. but sometimes i feel i'm that way cause i leech on to the right friends? i wonder would life be less complicated if i was just plain old me since i'm really quite plain a person with simple pleasures.

i have this feeling that this place is too small for me. claustrophobic - i'm a traveller - i feel confined and constrained when i have stayed in one place for too long. maybe it has always been that way. i feel thrilled moving from one locale to another. of course this comfort zone is protective but it drives the courage out of me. this place where everyone knows everyone. i feel very anti-social because i have a status quo to keep - the more i know the wall is falling apart the more i want to remedy it with slabs of cement. and it is this feeling of me knowing everything too well that make me not want to go for social events. drama bores me, fake-ness is commonplace, tension is everywhere. perhaps i just dont wanna act anymore. i'm a bad and selfish as a friend that is why i have been really grateful for those who had stand by me not poaching too much knowing that i will talk if i want to. of course, for those who stood by me even when the best thing i knew to do as a friend was to listen.

i want to be in a place where i can dance under the moonlight, where everyone around me is different, to meet someone mysterious that i will find them exciting. i need to get out so that i wont get tired of living in my own stereotype. i want to be.

maybe i should just shut up. hmmm. and reflect.