Wednesday, July 18, 2007 - 8:38 AM
perhaps it was the sneezes that i have been getting for the past two days. or the thought of the council outing. or even how nutcrunch put it about us being a family. plagued by insomnia for the past few days. it was devastating last night that i had to resort to counting the ticks of the clock. it is actually very hard keeping up with time (literally). pacing with the clock is so different from counting sheeps. but at least it got me to sleep.
family - got me thinking about those picture perfect portraits that families take where they would later display it in their living rooms for everyone to see. those plastic smiles, those clothes that you will never wear ever again. even when some families fall apart this photo remains on the wall covered with dust and cobwebs.
as i thought i’m finally recovering the withdrawal returns. (and i wonder whether my itunes like to play jokes with me - it played THE song when its my lowest. sigh) its like the crack on the wall in my room, i tried filling it up with fillings but the colour is just different, and with the crack covered you can still see the scabs.
maybe because knowing too much that was never told. the thought of the family brings jitters. like the plastic smiles and fake clothes, perhaps its only me that cannot put things behind, like i said this is my space. sometimes being with too long makes you feel so comfortable doing everything with that you start to lose sight of the things that you are able to do yourself. because you start to think - things are great with.. i guess the worst is when not knowing those are fake smiles, you think: finally maybe we can really exist as a family, and then those you think is family tells you: you are JUST not good enough. the haze has finally cleared, you return back to reality and what you thought was family are all lies. you do not know what to believe anymore.
what i want - i really feel tempted to say it. so like the next song playing on my itunes, i shall take me away for now and stop the whining that is soon to come before i start.
now is best time for the simpsons movie. wished i was back watching it with am. and of course duff.
