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Tuesday, July 10, 2007 - 5:43 AM

once in awhile during rehab you get these illusions of the past or what you hoped to have. one night last weekend i dreamt. i use to dream way much more than this and i use to take dreams very seriously. those were the days when i would believe that a bad dream is a form of subconscious omen. now bad dreams are just your mind giving you closure to something.

remember i use to tell many of you about the friend who regretted not even trying and then it was all too late - never will she found out whether it will work. like this story there was an accident which led to regrets because i did not try hard enough to stop or at least said what i wanted to before the accident happens. in reality, everytime i tell myself i should try harder it backfires because I FEEL there is no reciprocation. one thing i fear most is embarrassment. but this fear keeps me calm and it metamorphose into sanity during rehab. at the last part of the dream all i felt was regret and remorse. the dream had i-told-you-so written all over it. i was so glad (this is rare) that my mom woke me up for breakfast. i started yapping nonsense immediately as a form of distraction. the urge to pick up the phone and do something stupid is so tempting. so, i reminded myself of the possibility of embarrassment if there was no reciprocation. it worked.

as i was clearing up my hard disk space, i found this folder that stores all the past msn conversations that i had with various people during march this year. i just do not understand why things cannot be the way it is then. i was determined to draw that line but the barrier fell and i took up the drug again and that was definitely not the last of it. it felt like a recurring bad/good dream where i had woken up many times but willingly went back to sleep because i did not want it to stop. so i deleted all this saved conversations and many more things that were related to my bad dream. i wish i had a delete button for all this.

but for now.. i shall let rationality overwhelm me. i need closure.